huishan

2012-01-25T14:36:00.004+08:00

Mood seems to get a little better after yesterday. and ah.. had a mild relapse of asthma after so long. it's either the smoke due to joss sticks burning or my mood that triggered it. haven't had an asthma since years ago. it feels like things are not getting any better, but i'll be fine. i will be. had an xray just down, tablets given. no more chilled drinks i guess.

2012-01-23T15:50:00.003+08:00

At my ah ma's house now, and not exactly in a fabulous mood cause im not feeling well. the breathlessness has come.back to haunt me yet again. Also, i didn't get to wear the dress that i bought from malaysia cause i look horrible in it. didn't try it before i buy, so i wasted that 12 dollars. Ended up with a dress that i don't really like but that's the only dress that look ok on me. i look fat in all the rest, and that's why i'm so unhappy.

it's cny, so happy chinese new year to the few readers i have, and may all of you be healthy and happy for this dragon year. :)

2012-01-22T21:54:00.002+08:00

Will i be pretty, will i be rich, here's what she said to me.
"que sara sara. whatever will be, will be. the future's not ours to see. que sara sara."

The master of my own fate? but i can't control myself.

2012-01-22T01:30:00.002+08:00

times like this, call for the need to pierce my ear.

actually, it's not a need. it's vanity. wanted to get nose piercing, but i'm too afraid of the pain, and the scar.

this month's PMS seems to be a bit harder to overcome than previous months. i don't know why i'm behaving like this. i'm hate being wary of others' good intentions. i know people are genuinely concerned, but i can't help but feel that they have ulterior motives. is that an illness? intentionally trying to change the way i am. is that abnormal too?

i want to tell someone and have someone understand me. but why is it that tears come out before the words, lips tremble before opening them?

2012-01-20T21:23:00.003+08:00

It's almost like there's no way to be skinny forever.

cried during lab today because of some small matters. I flooded my own fumehood and my TA didn't scold me yet i felt so awful that i cried. then i broke a glass rod while stirring the mixture. then i broke the metal spatula. then i did so many stupid things. my TA must have thought i'm damn stupid.

Low self esteem. i feel like i can never be thin. it's like, i eat less than normal, i try not to consume fast food, i try to exercise everyday at the expense of waking up early on every school day. what else do i need to do? why can't i lose weight? i'm really tired. i hate it when i see all the pretty dresses in the cupboards and i look ugly in them. what's wrong with me?

2012-01-17T22:43:00.002+08:00

Really, i can't help but wonder why is it so difficult to be happy. why is it so difficult to get what i want. why is it so difficult to have someone there. why is it so difficult to have a listening ear. why is it so difficult to be understood, to get my point across?

Don't know what's gotten into me. maybe it's cause i can't do my tutorial. really, the angst in me keeps building up. i can't keep going on like this. part of me is pissed off at the fact that i emailed these 2 people to ask them if they wanna group with this girl and i for the gem proj and those 2 are the ones who posted on forum claiming they need a group and can't even reply me fast enough. i mean, if u have grps alrdy, the least u could do is to reply me that u have a group right? urgh. the angst. im seriously annoyed.

2012-01-11T14:46:00.005+08:00

School has officially started! *wails* it's day three and i'm at home because tutorials and labs haven't started! one drawback about lab lessons is the gaseous compounds. really, you don't even know what will happen after breathing these compounds in. Compounds like napthalene, which is used to make moth balls. But inorganic chem labs are pretty fun because the crystals made are all so pretty! pink and white and green and yellow! :)

third day of school and i've been reading up on organic chem because the module that i'm taking this semester is pretty much a continuation of what i have done for year 1. lecturer expects us to read up before going for class and i can sense that he is those kind who expects students to have their foundations well laid. so yeah, finding back the love for organic chem!

i might stay in chrys' hall twice a week! But still considering.. cause mians is staying over too and it'll be so cramp squeezing three people in a room. Cause lessons on mondays and wednesdays end exceptionally late and lessons on tues starts exceptionally early, so if i were to go home, it'll be so tiring. ayeeee we shall see how it goes.

A little tired from all the studying, that's why i came to blog. Time for me to get back. bye. :)

2012-01-07T23:23:00.002+08:00

Ok i just found out something and i'm incredibly upset.

I really wanna fulfil my new yr resolution so here goes:
Abstaining from fried food.
Abstaining from sugared drinks.
Jog at least 5 times a week.
Abstaining from supper.

Dear friends, please help me.

2012-01-07T09:46:00.001+08:00

Met up with some of my good friends from starhub for supper last night and simpang bedok! Dear bernice fetched me there and sent me home but her direction was very bad hahahhahah i thought mine is bad enough! so yayyyy became a pillion rider again, makes me feel like getting a bike licence but no one will approve of it. sigh.

Should i hold a 21st bday celebration? Hmmmmmmmm.

2012-01-04T23:37:00.003+08:00

很多时候，在最无助的时候，当一个人不经意地伸出援手，心中就会充满无限的感激。哪怕是一句问候，一个微笑，一瞬间的眼神交流，都足够给予一个人力量，一个继续加油的力量。也因此，在最无助的时候，会对伸出援手的人产生爱慕。而爱慕，往往会被混淆成爱情。但，时间久了，就会发现，那个人只是一个依靠，一个在对的时间出现又可以依赖的人。心存感激。感激你的存在，感激你的关心，感激你的慰问。一直让我觉得我办得到，我可以得到更好的。一切的一切，让它随风而逝，让它成为回忆。这是，我一直想说但没能说出口的话。

2012-01-04T01:24:00.002+08:00

i think 49days is one of the most tear-jerking dramas i have ever watched. i cried for almost three hours straight. wiping my tears with my fingers again and again and again.

2012-01-01T00:46:00.002+08:00

2012 is officially here. shall start the new year with a happy blog post!

first up, happy birthday to vanessa! :) may everything go well for you, in terms of studies, relationships and family! hang in there during tough times alright! be strong, stay strong, stay pretty! :)

next up, new year resolutions! my new year resolution is always the same, that is to lose weight hahaha! let me just add one more to the list: to be a more sociable being!

oh, i'm pretty worried about taking the gek2001 and lab1201 mod alone. :( projects can be the killer, if people do not cooperate well. please please please, let my electives be fine!

2011-12-31T14:06:00.003+08:00

On the way to meet minyu to go shopping. last day of 2011. to be frank, i feel nothing special. But this year, truly, has been pretty eventful. Went overseas so many times and i wonder if the money from the teaching award has all gone to these trips haha. nearly got committed, but didn't. Significant improvement in results. So far, only can think of all these. Well, it doesn't matter if i can remember what happens in 2011. more importantly is to look forward to 2012! :)))

want to blog more but i'm reaching my venue soon, so shall blog again tonight if i have the time.

2011-12-30T00:10:00.002+08:00

sudden bout of emo. sudden urge to blog.

decided to take LAB1201 as well as GEK2001 as my electives this semester. learning malay has been something that i really wanna do in uni, and so far, the timetable just.keep.clashing. so i had no choice but to take up behasa indonesia so as to build up my foundation for malay first. taking GEK2001 to clear my requirements so that i can graduate next year in peace, without having to worry if there's any modules that i have not cleared.

seems like i'm quite sure i'm not taking honours huh. well, it's kind of difficult. really. i can't end up with a third class honours. that will be too embarrassing. yes, my interest lies in chemistry. but that doesn't mean i have to do honours just because i am interested in chemistry right? i know- i'm finding excuses and making myself feel better. but really, i find it hard to sustain my interest because of my poor results. if i can keep reading chemistry and specialize in physical or spectroscopy chemistry, i will be more than willing to keep reading it. but exams are such turn offs. major turn offs.

looking back, i really regretted my year 1. what have i been doing all these while. i should have repeated year 1, really. and now that i'm halfway through year 2, i'm being all pessimistic and saying these kinda craps. i know, what's the point of regretting? life gives no chances to regrets, all i can do is move on. and how do i move on from here? i've said this before: nobody said that you have to graduate with an honours degree. but really, can i leave nus with a bachelor degree and not a tint of regret? i can't. yet i know fully well where my standard lies. am i going to be satisfied with a salary lower than others? am i going to be satisfied being a secondary school teacher and teaching students all kinds of concepts which will be proven wrong as they advance in their education? no, i am not. so what is it that i can do? how can i.. or rather, how do i convince myself.

2011-12-27T23:09:00.002+08:00

things are not looking good for me these days. low self-esteem, naggy mother, distractions etc etc. so many things are bothering me. seriously, i want to stay at home, but why nag at me? i'm old enough to make decisions like rebonding my hair or piercing my ears or whatever that requires money. to you, it's a waste of money. to me, it's youth. don't waste my youth away.

2011-12-27T00:22:00.001+08:00

so, good looking people always end up as the smokers. why can't good looking people not smoke? sigh. if everyone can be like junsu, the world will be a better place. pure and innocent.

2011-12-24T16:45:00.002+08:00

had this realization a few days ago: i don't wear skirt to meet people if i'm uncomfortable with them. hahaha. so to all those who have seen me with skirt, good for you. pretty strange but i just feel that i don't need to show my feminine side to people who are not close to me. 'cause i feel weak being feminine and i don't like to be weak in front of strangers.

finished watching you are beautiful and i'm watching mary stayed out all night now. jang geun suk is really good looking. kind of liked him when i saw him on the jackie wu's show, but it's only because channel u is playing you are beautiful, then i decided to watch it online because i hate hearing the dubbed version. that show is the reason why i've been cursing online about slow streaming hahaha. but no, i refuse to be a fangirl.

having this sinking feeling since a few days ago.

2011-12-20T23:43:00.003+08:00

results out today. i still didn't manage my expectations well, but i'm pretty contented. it was at least, a pretty big improvement from year 1. :) but i was very upset about s/u-ing GEM2901. that was the module that i really feel that i can get an A for, but turned out to be a C. so after i s/u it, i secretly cried a little. but now it's no longer a secret since i blogged it out hahaha. i didn't cry because of the grade, but rather, the efforts put in for this module were not justified at all. i felt like i had wasted a lot of time on this module, doing almost every single textbook questions. and it's not like i gained any important knowledge from this mod. little learning points, a lot of efforts put in, lousy grade. sigh. but i'm alright now. still basking in the happiness of my first ever A in uni life. thanks to all those who have helped me in one way or another. all the studying in utown, science canteens, YIH etc. they were worth it. totally.

2011-12-19T23:02:00.001+08:00

met maoq and celeste today for steamboat! haven't seen mao for quite some time! so, i was pretty happy today. :) but i fear that my happiness will be short-lived, 'cause results are out tomorrow. please please please let me do well.

2011-12-18T00:19:00.002+08:00

Post number 1111! nice number hahaha. ok the things that i'm gonna talk about now is not exactly pleasing to the eyes, so if you happen to disagree, don't try to convince me with your argument.

And so, four train breakdowns in three days. well, i do not feel strongly towards this matter since i was never a fan of.trains. i would rather take a 2 hr bus ride than a 1 hr train ride. that's how weird i am. i like to look at sceneries and in the mrt, most of the time when you look out, it's just pitch black. the train breakdowns were supposedly due toa dislocation of the metal pieces of the rails, causing an open circuit, and hence, no power supply. Smrt has since apologised and promised to find out what is the underlying issue. well, people are angry, of course. fare hikes were suggested just before the breakdowns and people feel that fee hike is not jusified due to the lapse in services nowadays. And because of the breakdowns, many people couldn't go home/work punctually and they are trapped for hours. as a result, people called for the resignation of the ceo. there is even a facebook petition going around now.

Seriously, i don't think the ceo should be forced to resign. yes, she is the ceo. But does she want all these to happen? she is not the direct cause of the breakdown, so why should she resign? it's not like she purposely dislodge the metal pieces right? people are not getting their facts right. they are unhappy with the government, and hence they make a big fuss over this issue. if smrt ceo has to quit because of this, then shouldn't the transport minister be asked to step down too? Absurd? totally. it's like asking a principle to resign because a class didn't do well. yes, maintenance should be conducted to ensure the smooth delivery of the mrt, so maintenance has been conducted regularly, why should the ceo be blamed? shouldn't the staffs who are supposed to check the rails be held responsible? so many people are missing the point just because they loathe the government. these are two separate issues. people ought to learn to be more objective.

2011-12-17T17:42:00.002+08:00

As i'm typing this, i'm on my way to surprise minyu 'cause today is her birthday. for some reason, she always work on her birthday, that weird girl. today has been pretty boring, made truffles and continue my hk drama. very determined to pick up cantonese and malay language hahahha. but my timetable for malay and chem lessons keep clashing, so i decided to learn bahasa indo for the basics. ok, hope i can bid for it successfully when bidding starts! :) oh, results are coming out soon omg worried. sigh.

2011-12-13T22:53:00.002+08:00

my toe nail is bruised and blue in colour. hurts quite a lot. :( can't run much. :(

i always have nothing to blog about during the holidays. probably because everything has been repetitive- work, home, watch hk dramas, sleep. and the routine keeps repeating. but oh! i borrowed books about baking from the library today! can't wait to try out some new recipes. :) christmas is coming! love the season of giving! :)

2011-12-07T22:21:00.001+08:00

it's my own loss, not yours.

2011-12-06T22:25:00.004+08:00

i think ron ng is damn shuai. like omg, awesomeeeeeeee. tall and dark and awesome voice. aiyohhhhhh. for those who don't know who he is, tadahhhh~~~

HAHAHAHA KOPPED FROM GOOGLE IMAGE YO HAHAHAHHA too lazy to go source for a pic of his really hot bod hahahahahha! but aiyah, i'm so addicted to the hongkong dramas nowadays especially the police dramas! love them! i wanna go hongkong!!! someone bring me please. pretty pretty please! :(

2011-12-04T22:18:00.006+08:00

went to penang for a 3D2N trip! stayed in sunway hotel, which is a 20 to 30 min ride from the penang international airport. we followed most of the online blogs, telling us to take 401 or 401E. However, when we reached the airport, we missed a bus and a very nice bus driver asked us to take bus 102 instead, and the driver told us where to alight.

i wouldn't recommend sunway hotel again. no doubt it is near the bus terminal, but the rooms are really bad for a 4-star hotel. the cupboards were falling apart and there was no security deposit box for us to put our passports and money. the toilet was the worse. water cannot be drained after we bathed and we had to call for maintenance to come. also, the service of the staffs were not good.

anyway, the bus terminal is quite accessible from our hotel, a 5 to 10min walk. we relied on the buses the entire trip in penang. heh heh. saved us a lot of money!

then we had chendol in penang! from the very famous one penang teochew chendol!

we did try the rival stall opposite this famous stall, and to be honest, i like the rival stall one better because the cendol is less sweet, and the coconut taste is more obvious, compared to the teochew cendol, which has more gula melaka and is of a darker shade of brown. the uncle from the rival stall is friendlier as well. too bad i didnt take a photo of it. :( oh we ordered a plate of charkwayteow from the stall beside the chendol stall too. it was quite nice but we had to order a drink if we were to sit in the coffeeshop to eat because according to the lady boss, the charkwayteow stall doesnt belong in the coffeeshop. i suspect that it's just a way to trick tourists because there were many other people without drinks but eating charkwayteow too. but oh well, we just ordered a coffee.

anyway, at night we travelled down to gurney drive to visit the shopping mall. it feels like tampines mall hahaha.

this soya shop at the basement of the gurney plaza serves really bad fruit juice. it's just syrup and it costs RM5.90!

and towards the night, we visited the gurney food stalls. the price were pretty reasonable.

one stick only RM0.60. dirt cheap please. singapore sell one stick 80 cents la!

assam laksa

haojian aka oyster omelette

this more or less sums up our first day! on our second day, we went him heang to buy the famous tau sah piah, had white curry and visited the shopping malls around our area. and we went back to gurney to shop because we couldn't catch the bus to queensbay mall, so we decided to go queensbay the last day, before heading to the airport. we tabao the hao jian from gurney again, and went back to the kfc near our hotel to buy kfc because there is double zinger ahahah! but only xingying bought double zinger! we bought satay from the stalls outside our hotel! and it started raining pretty heavily so all of us were caught in the rain.

white curry

double zinger

our dinner for the second night!

oh, i made a new pair of specs for RM99, which is like, SGD40?! like omg cheeeeap, the lens are multi-coated lens too!

last day- went to search for the best hokkien mee in penang, but we had to wait for half an hour for the food. we decided not to wait because if we had waited, we couldn't make it back in time to check out of the hotel. :(

at queensbay mall! not many pictures cause i was lazy. could see penang bridge though~ hahaha okok, i've updated. anyone who wants the address to all the good food etc, please leave me a comment or something. the map that i have is pretty useful too, the roads were mostly accurate and we could find our way with the map! :)

2011-12-03T22:31:00.000+08:00

i promise i'll upload photos of the penang trip soon. and i will blog about it soon. soon soon soon. be patient yo! :)

2011-11-28T21:48:00.000+08:00

It's the last day of exams tomorrow. i can't wait.

2011-11-27T00:15:00.003+08:00

Studied outside today. it's the last paper before freedom! :))) really wanna ace this mod cause i put in a lot of effort throughout the entire semester. really is 爱过，恨过，哭过，也笑过。hahaha that is jam hsiao's 原谅我 by the way hahahhaha!

I have a strong craving for double filet o fish nowwwwwww. yummmmm! Had double mcgrill today and 1-for-1 nuggets! :O fat die me hahahhahaha but aiyah, once a while must eat to my liking hahahah! oh what a happy day today hahaha especially on my way home from airport just now. had the most ridiculous conversation with xy and we are thinking of things that she will do if she's an OL. like telling people that the biscuit tin in the pantry ran out of biscuits or bitching about somone's attire hahahahaha. and we even had ideas to set up our own business and sell urm.. goldfish?! HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! ayeeee relaxed day!

Seeing many friends a few hrs later! :))) so excited!

2011-11-25T23:58:00.002+08:00

Does missing periods give one bad skin? Ayeeeee must be the stress or the unhealthy diet that's taking a toll on my body the unusual way. having really bad skin nowadays. i just wanna hide at home! :'(

Can't wait for exams to be over! Then it's preparing for christmas, then chinese new year and not to forget, a couple of friends' birthday coming up! :))) one year is gonna be over again and woahhhh it's almost half a yr more to my 21st whaaaaaaaaat. and still a 老姑婆 hahahahhaha! Don't judge me! The right one hasn't appeared! :(((

2011-11-24T23:45:00.002+08:00

I.LOST.MY.MATRICULATION.CARD.

right, most of you would have known by now but i still feel like whining about it. i even feel like wrapping myself with a blanket and roll around on the bed screaming for my matriculation card. well, you don't get it. my matriculation card has been with me for the past three sems. whenever i can't do an examination question, i look at it for inspiration. :'( sobs. You will never understand! *wails and kicks around*

Right, just joking. i mean, i did lose my matric card but i don't have deep feelings for it. i will have to get it replaced and i do have deep feelings for the money that's going into the replacement of the card. that's about $16, not forgetting the nihon mura buffet on tues which is $20++, and my bill which came today.. $30.. In need of a cash dispenser that dispense cash from someone else's account hahahahahhah.

And i'm awfully happy today. it's been almost a week. :)
Ohohoh, my paper today was damn crap. whoever heard of lecturer giving the exact same questions from the past year paper for an open book test?! Lazy also don't need like that leyyyy. =_=

2011-11-23T12:07:00.002+08:00

1100th post.

Today, i found out something that i probably knew since a few months ago. thing is, if i run away from you, don't bother coming after me because.. it's not gonna be. There's a reason why i'm doing this. i wanna be friends and nothing more. i just wanna be friends. you ain't gonna come into my life because the way i think is completely different from you.

Looking forward to tomorrow. second last paper.

2011-11-23T00:02:00.003+08:00

Hmmmm, i really look up to people who are not scared of any form of insects. i'm scared of bees, moths, butterflies (don't tell me they are pretty. it's not valid enough a reason.), cockroaches, big flying ants etc. and the non insects like spiders, lizards (i hate them more than roaches) etc. i realised i'm scared of tiny creatures more than big ones. i mean, seriously, i'm not scared of monitor lizards. i once walked towards one until the distance between us is almost only a metre. but give me a flying insect, i will hate you for life.

I mentioned that guys who can bake are damn attractive right? i changed my mind. i think guys who place family as priority is even more attractive. Or rather, filial guys who love their siblings are damn attractive. sigh. watch too much shows.

There is nothing left to say as i'm counting down the days.

2011-11-21T18:53:00.001+08:00

If good days like this can last, i will be more thankful than ever. hope tomorrow's paper will be managable too! :)

Hey, i miss you.

2011-11-19T23:33:00.002+08:00

As usual, blogging before i sleep. paper today was managable but i was too careless. way too careless. im hoping for an A, i really am. :( did 3 chpts of my gem mod today so have to rush and memorise the stuffs tmr! Jiayou huishan! Was pretty unhappy with someone but i'm fine now. Sometimes, i feel like nobody understands the fear i'm having constantly. ok, i sound like an emo teenager now but i'm not saying this in an i'm-emo kind of way. i just feel that a lot of terrible thoughts are crossing my mind and i'm so upset with myself for harbouring such thoughts. :(

2011-11-17T23:58:00.000+08:00

after exams, the first thing on my list is to lose weight. i'm like eating and eating. soon, i will eat back to my old self. :(

2011-11-16T23:31:00.002+08:00

So useless me cried in school today. Got an A- for a project that i put in a lot of effort in. i was expecting nothing less than an A. too high an expectation? I don't think so. Ok omg my groupmate just updated us that she did email the prof to ask if that article is acceptable and he said yes but he marked us down for 'wrong article chosen'. Ok, so we're gonna appeal. wish us luck! :)

2011-11-16T00:01:00.002+08:00

Very nice day today cause i did much revision and i'm seeing celeste, xingying and xiujie tomorrow! Sighhh life just doesn't feel the same without celeste's teachings, xingying's bhb-ness and xiujie's uncle behaviour hurh hurh hurh. alright, time to sleep. update my blog another day. :)))

2011-11-15T00:36:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, i will wonder if what i'm doing is enough. The efforts put in for my academic, the time spent with my family, the concerns for my friends, etc etc. There's so many things i wanna do, but the simplest things are often the hardest to accomplish. I hope tt my friend's grandma's condition will improve. I hope another friend's mum's will recover soon. I hope my brother will stop getting demoralised over his results. Times like this make me feel a bit more vulnerable. I want to do so much, yet there's little i can. Dear friends, hang on. :)

2011-11-09T00:17:00.002+08:00

I'm academically-driven, that i do not deny. but i hate feeling sorry for myself whenever i stumble. But why is it that no matter how much effort i'm putting in, nothing seems to work? People say, you may be using the wrong studying method. and how many methods are there exactly?

I feel like a loser, crying over these little issues. i don't know what got into me. perhaps i feel that my grades aren't justified because i've done so much. And if all these aren't enough, then what is?

Probably a sleepless night.

2011-11-06T21:59:00.002+08:00

Mummy's birthday today! :)))) brought her to haw par villa,nus, and bedok to get a cake! :)) so glad that i spent her birthday with her even though i didn't get to study today. but it's worth it! :D

Got a little pissed off with someone over something. you can put yourself in a good light, but NEVER.EVER. put others in a bad light to make yourself look good. i will let it go this time. but seriously, that disturbed me a great deal.

On a happy note, hotel and air tickets booked! All set and ready to go penang! :))) three days two night! Not gonna divulge too many information. not safe to put too much details on the world wide web yo.

Actually i'm quite.. unhappy with free journalism. as in, people who post to stomp has made things a lot worse on public transport. today, while on the train, there are three empty seats in one cabin, yet no one dared to sit because there're old people around. problem is, the old people do not want to sit because they are alighting two stops later. yet no one dared to sit because if they sat down, and people who board at the next stop will think that no one is giving up seats for the old people and may take a photograph of them and post to stomp. and so, the cabin was damn freaking squeezy. all because of free journalism. it really makes people paranoid, makes taking public transportation a stressful thing to do. Singaporeans are just too.. too whiny, too much complaining, and too nosey.

2011-11-01T23:55:00.002+08:00

woahhhh haven't been blogging for a couple of days! hardly use the laptop nowadays cause i've been rather busy revising my school work. felt very unhappy these 2 days. no matter how hard i try, visualising 3D molecules just doesn't seem to be easy for me. practising and practising yet... and i got pissed off with myself during cm2101 to the extent that i almost cried. ayeeeee why the stress. :(

mood turns dramatically good after that because of some stuffs, but then again, when i reached home and start practising, the entire i'm-having-a-major-setback feel comes back again. oh had a test today as well. hope that everything turns out fine.

i am serious about getting good grades this sem. i've been working so hard. please don't fail me. please don't.

2011-10-26T23:44:00.002+08:00

Seriously, nothing better to do other than talking nonsense? I cannot tolerate people who annoy me with the same old things again and again. a joke is no longer considered a joke if it's carried too far. i can handle jokes, but don't test limits because you are not gonna like what's happening next, and neither am i. There's nothing going on between us and please don't make it sound like there is. it's a social networking site for pete's sake. don't you think you should mind your words a little?

Have been quite hardworking these days but somehow, the time that i spent revising my work doesn't really equate to the productivity. easily distracted. by cars, by people, by insects. gogo huishan! The more i study for chem, the more i feel like going into the research field. that means i need awesome results.. Not gonna think about that first. priority is my upcoming test and finals! :)

2011-10-24T16:21:00.002+08:00

Not very happy for some reason. i can't blame it on my study workload, because i know it's not because of this. and i'm afraid to tell people what's wrong because some things are wrong. it doesn't matter how many excuses there are. wrong means.. wrong. i committed a mistake, and only i can rectify.

And all i ask is, stop being so nice to me.

2011-10-20T16:23:00.003+08:00

URGHHHHHH strong urge to bitch HOWWWWWWWW.

but i shall not sms mians to bitch because 1) she refuses to let me sms her. :( she said that ever since i got my student plan, i've been messaging her non-stop. oh she finds me irritating! SOBS. and 2) i think she knows what i'm gonna bitch about so there's no point reinforcing or emphasizing my point hahahah!

WHY I SO MEAN OMG.

oh i'm studying at citysquare mall alone on sunday 'cause i'm working somewhere around there at 3.30pm! anyone is welcome to join me k! sms me before you are going! I CHANGED NUMBER in case you guys don't know! it's ********. ok, just FB me or tweet me k HAHAHA.

no more urge to bitch. ok, then maybe i type some stuffs here for those who are itching to know what happened. well it just so happen that someone is too sensitive for his/her own good. not everything i FB/tweet/blog is about you. you don't possess a huge part of my life. sensitivity shows your lack of maturity and abundance of guilt. did i hit a right nail there that makes you jittery? i did, didn't i? still itching to know what happened? it may be you i'm talking about. so stop probing, for the benefit of you and i. :)

2011-10-19T00:58:00.002+08:00

ok, decent post up finally! before i get started on my school work, let me just blog out some happy and unhappy stuffs. so, happy stuffs first! :)

got back all of my mid term results and this is the first time all my chem mods are at least average. and i'm so proud of my physical chem results though i know it could have been better. last year's physical chem mod was a disaster. i failed terribly. like 30plus out of 100? and this time, i am slightly above average. :) i am contented, but i will continue to work hard. i realised, after i quit my job, i have so much more time to juggle my school work. i can prioritise better, because there's always time available for me to catch up. for the past two sems, i only had 6 days a week because 1 day is dedicated to working. yes, i earned the money but lost my grades. this sem, i'm so glad to have my time back. i mentioned on twitter that i am secretly proud that i'm a chem major. you may ask, why secretly? because i never had any results to prove my pride as a chem major, but i'm prepare to do so this sem. i'll work extra hard so that i can openly be proud of the fact that i am a chem major. :)

ahhhh but as much as i love chem, there're several drawbacks to it and i will just talk about my physical chem tutor, who is also my tutor last year. and i don't deny that i've more than an occasion, blamed my poor results in year 1 on him. this year, he is my chem tutor again. it's as though he is the only tutor doing physical chem. i can never bring myself to respect a tutor who cannot think on his feet, who cannot provide accurate answers, who deny a student (ME) the right to ask a question just because another group of students is coming in for tutorial. he allowed other students who had problems with the marks of the midterm tests to find him and talk to him about it but he denied me the right to ask a question?! so the test results are more important that correcting a student's misconception in her studies? well done, sir. well done. you have officially lost my respect for you. not a single bit left.

and the best thing he said was, "look, i have another class coming in. so i cannot answer your question." and i replied, "ok, then i'll email you about it then?" and that SOB replied: ERRRR. you can.. or you might wanna consult someone in the group like jerome. he should be able to help." Firstly, he showed reluctance when i asked to send him an email to consult him about it since he is not free. Secondly, he asked me to consult a student from my tutorial group. ok, look, i don't know who the f*** is this jerome fellow and i have no interests to know. and isn't it ridiculous that YOU, AS A TUTOR, ASKED ME TO ASK SOMEONE WHO JUST LEARNT THE SAME EFFING CONFUSING THING AS ME TO ANSWER MY DOUBTS?! this is totally ridiculous. like seriously, he doesn't even garner that bit of respect from me. NONE.

how long are you going to continue that facade of yours? stop trying.

2011-10-13T02:42:00.000+08:00

i know, i know. Not a decent post these days. Sorry about that. i promise i'll have one up soon!

Oh i saw yiwen today! After like three or four years?! But it was so cool that we can still talk with no awkwardness! :)

2011-10-10T23:10:00.000+08:00

HOLY CRAP. i have not printed any notes for tomorrow. :O

2011-10-09T02:40:00.003+08:00

got my galaxy s2! :):):) got the black one instead of the white one though! cause the white one doesn't look very pretty.. oh i have to pay like $250 for the phone, but that's already considered cheeeeeap! cause if i had signed a low tier plan right from the beginning, i would need to pay $384! :O

first time i'm spending so much on a phone. and i hope i won't get distracted from my studies now that twitter is so easily available for me. T_T

k, just blogging to share my joy! :D

2011-10-07T22:25:00.001+08:00

it's so ironic that someone has to be the one speaking to me about such things when that particular someone is the crux of my issue.

Right, so i had a bout of emo-ness today again! :O well, we were talking about our GPAs and stuffs, then i calculated something like i have to get all above B+ in order to get a cap of 3.5. i was a little worried, but it wasn't until xiujie started telling me all kinds of things that made me feel like crying. :( we're all pursuing something that will not be what we are eventually doing. I love chemistry, and that's probably something i want to do forever. i can't imagine not doing anything chemmy. :(

And on the way back home, he kept asking me to get a boyfriend hahahaha as though it's so simple aiyoh! I need someone who will not bore me, who is tactful in terms of speaking, who is meticulous etc. Difficult siol. And i'm not gonna be desperate please. leaving it to fate. *mians' voice start ringing in the background: ppl who believe in fate are those who don't know about the law of large number (or something like that haha)*

Studied with jiaqi today! A bit worried for mass spec 'cause i couldn't get the hold of it even after practising and reading through it so many times. mmm.

sometimes i wish you're someone close.

2011-10-06T23:27:00.001+08:00

quick one before i drift to sleep!

Studied with simin aka the queen and mians yesterday at KLP. Nice environment cause it's pretty quiet. Maybe cause it's a weekday morning, that's why there's hardly anyone. On the downside, it's awfully cold, and i heard that being in a cold environment raises metabolism rate? Hahaha. speaking of that, haven't jogged for at least two weeks! :(

oh and it's so nice to study with them, too bad another awfully smart friend of mine didn't come because she was too busy. Yet, she's so sweet to check my blog and felt that i was stressed. Awww, so touched. :') yes you, LIM YI TING! Smarty doc! Meet up soon! *hugggggs*

Studied with mians (again), xingying and regina at tampines today and the entire day was pretty much filled with laughter hahaha. They're such cute people. Good to de-stress hahahahha!

Ok, test tmr. Wish me luck! :D

2011-10-03T01:36:00.001+08:00

for that post, i apologise. i'm sorry. i never should have let anger got to me. i'm fine now, 'cause at least i'm getting the hang of things now. there's still time.

2011-09-30T23:12:00.000+08:00

I'm like, so disgustingly emotional what's wrong with me?! :( i cried yesterday just thinking of how minyu and celeste are leaving for SEP and they are leaving like, a year later?! No, i'm not having PMS hahaha. Just having a surge of emotions i guess. It's the thought of not having someone there for me when i need to grumble, whine or complain about chemistry. And not being able to be of walking distance to my close friends, not being able to talk for hours on the phone, not being able to meet to have a meal together etc. :(

Have been studying in school till quite late these days. I guess, that's how year 2 feels like? More time on hand 'cause of fewer tutorials, yet no time for revision haha. Lab reports are taking up so much of my time, but i'm really glad i'm left with only three more reports and hopefully i can complete two of them by next week. :)

Oh did i mention i have a very charming lecturer? His voice sounds really nice with a little british accent though he's asian haha. he's awfully patient with us, and most importantly, he looks very very smart in shirts and trousers. Hahaha, i'm a sucker for well-dressed guys! clean, sleek looks, homourous and coupled with good mannerism. that's how a man should be like, and some people truly have a lot more to learn. Hohoho not mentioning names!:D

Ayeeee i've already thought of the shows i'm gonna watch after this sem! 49 days, how i met your mother, running man, and most importantly, my hongkong dramaaaaaaaas! :D probably gonna get an event job to get some money heh heh. Got lobang please jio me hor! :D

2011-09-29T22:28:00.000+08:00

next sem, yeeching and xiujie will leave for SEP.
next year, minyu and celeste will leave for SEP.
:(

2011-09-28T22:43:00.000+08:00

like seriously, i don't know what to do with my brother. I know he's probably not gonna see this but it's really worrying how he is not putting enough effort for his A'levels. i know he is revising, but constantly on his ipod touch and watching all the kpop craps, and harbouring foolish dreams of being a popstar etc. Like, wtf is wrong with him?

Ok, enough about him. I'm so disappointed in so many things. :(

2011-09-25T21:51:00.000+08:00

some people are so tactless in talking, it pains me to talk to them. Like seriously, everything that comes out from their mouths sound pretty offensive. Seriously, i know he/she is trying to crack a joke or to sound entertaining, but it's a fail. It just sounds really bad to me. And can you believe it bothered me for so long? this shows how much i dislike the way he/she talks. Urgh. And oh, don't comment/criticise what i did if you are doing what i did too. Faggot.

2011-09-25T02:01:00.000+08:00

i'm constantly hungry.
And constantly eating.
Fml.

2011-09-24T00:12:00.001+08:00

disappearing from facebook. Hahaha, i'm so gonna abandon facebook at the rate it's changing and making my profile so.. Publicised even to friends. I mean, come on! If i comment on A's status, i wouldn't want to announce to the whole world right? What if i'm bitching about B who is A's friend on facebook?! Then B will know about it through his 'ticker', and things will be so awkward between B and i! Of course i'm not gonna be so mean, but hey, that's a possibility yeah? Hahaha! That aside, i'm not gonna abandon it totally lurh. I still need my dosage of stalkings and gossips hahaha!

So, studied at utown today! :D seriously, that's such an awesome place to study! so to my ntu/smu/sim friends who are reading this, if you want an awesome place to study, sms me k! I'll bring u to utown! the aroma of coffee with a quiet environment and awesome scenery and best of all, plugs for your laptops! Hahahaha! Seriously, the school fees and justified already! :D

So hyped up and happy! :)))

2011-09-23T00:43:00.002+08:00

really, some people and some issues are making me rather unhappy. It's not that i can't understand your plight, but.. can't you understand mine too? I need my grades as much as you need yours. and why is it that i'm the one who bothers, yet the one who's blamed?

Right, probably a bout of PMS but really, the reason why i do not say certain things out is because i'm trying very hard to understand and put myself in others' shoes but sometimes, some things left me perturbed instead. i cannot comprehend some of the things that people do because it is not the norm. Some people have really unusual priorities and i know that is not up to me to comment or judge but.. What about me..?

I've been trying and trying and trying to achieve inner peace about this matter. I've been trying and trying and trying to be objective about this matter. I've been trying and trying and trying to be nice and understanding. As of this moment, i'm still trying to come to terms with it and not type anything stupid here. I'm definitely not going to throw in the towel and say things like 'i'm quitting this' because that's gonna be immature.

Right, i will handle this like an adult. I will do what i can, to the best of my ability. I will be understanding. I will not be anxious. I will not be worried. Ok, time to sleep.

2011-09-22T01:03:00.001+08:00

男生和女生之间，不能有纯友谊吗？为什么一定要有变化？我不想历史一直重演，不想要一直小心亦亦，深怕一个不小心，就会让你误会或表错情。若有任何可能，不必等到现在不是吗？

多想化成隐形的人，掩饰我伤痕。

2011-09-20T23:01:00.000+08:00

quarrelled with my mum.. Feel like crying now. It's not even my fault, and i'm so unwilling to put down my pride and apologise because i really don't know why i'm blamed. Cold war now. i just feel like hiding under the blanket and cry my eyes sore. :'(

2011-09-20T10:29:00.000+08:00

recess week feels really like a 'recess' week haha. I'm at home snacking away. :O time to get myself out of the house to study, if not i'll just be eating myself to death. =.=

I'm so sleepy. Reading some blogs make me feel so... Urgh k, bye.

2011-09-18T21:30:00.000+08:00

the feeling of being abandoned came back to haunt me today. It's really uncomfortable when someone leaves you to fend for yourself while they make their own grand exit. Really, it's not like it's a major thing, but to me, it felt like i was being left alone to take care of everything. I felt like i had no options. And it's scary. But it lasted only a few minutes, so yup, i'm fine. :)

I think i'm overly stressed for physical chem. Well, i can't do my tutorials and in my sleep, i dreamt of doing the same exact questions, and when i napped in the afternoon, i dreamt of myself doing an experiment to split water into hydrogen and hydroxide ions and naming them de-ionised water. Really? De-ionised water shouldn't have ions right! crazy dream. Ok, gotta stop stressing myself because the more stress i'm under, the more i snack.

Went to jog with my big brother today. After not seeing him for almost a month, he is still running faster than me hahaha. Like of course lurh! Legs so long tsk. nice catching up with him, talk about some stuffs, mostly it's just me rattling on and on la. I can't seem to shut up hahahha. K, got to go bathe. Bye. :)

2011-09-18T03:06:00.001+08:00

watched crazy, stupid love with a friend today! Didn't expect some of the scenes, so it was pretty awkward 'cause i was watching with a guy friend. The scenes are well, you know. A..w..k..w..a..r..d max.

met up with vanessa and chrys at airport after that and hmmm.. Vanessa mentioned something about not understanding what i'm writing on my blog. Makes me feel like privatizing my blog so that i can be free to write whatever i want. That's partly why i created twitter because i can always MIA from facebook to avoid some people, yet remain contactable to the more important ones on twitter. :) trying to MIA from facebook nowadays. So if anyone has no ways to contact me, well there's always sms/email.

If i know there's no possibilities, i won't hesitate to say no. If you can see through the lies, then you should know better by now.

2011-09-17T01:13:00.001+08:00

went night safari! :D first time and yes, extremely suaku hahaha but hey, celeste's first time too! So we got pretty high and started singing hahaha! Went with mians, celeste, chrys, mingtjiong and bro, and chrys' parents. Pretty close proximity to the animals and pictures will be uploaded by dear chrys i believe! :D

If i can lie to get myself out of a sticky situation, you bet i will. i hate liars, but i'm lying for a reason, and who should know better than you? At least i lied, and i had people who are supportive of my decisions. Please understand my fears.

2011-09-15T20:09:00.000+08:00

just came back from my jog. Haven't even bathed yet HAHAHAHA ok DON'T JUDGE ME OKAY LOLLLL! Right, the thing is that i have something so important to blog about so i shall blog before i bathe! In case i forget about it.

ok so here goes: i hate haolian joggers. Like seriously, some of the people jogging at bedok reservoirs are the worst kind of people i've ever seen! Happened a few times, but today's incident made me so irritatedddddd!

when i am jogging, i absolutely hate it when people overtake me. Of course, i'm slow, so i'm alright if those marathon runners (they wear those shirts to run) overtake me. What i cannot stand is those uncles and some haolian twenty-somethings. Right, you derive joy from overtaking people, i can understand. But me? you derive joy from overtaking me, a GIRL?! Wtf is wrong with you?!

so this guy overtook me at the 500m mark, and after which, he SLOWED DOWN. Isn't it obvious he just want to overtake me?! So running at my usual speed, i overtook him in no time and at the 3km mark, this asshole suddenly ran past me and CUT INTO MY LANE. He was running right in front of me, that SOAB. And i could smell his perspiration la wtf?! Then he started to slow down AGAIN. So being gracious as i always am, i changed lane, and ran at the outermost side and that asshole repeatedly overtook me and slow down despite me running at the same speed! In the end, buay tahan, i picked up speed and ran all the way to the end.

Moral of the story: wanna overtake me, do it all the way. Don't let me overtake you back, 'cause that is damn effing laokui+xiasuay.

2011-09-12T22:15:00.001+08:00

feel like going for coastal cleanup this saturday. It'll be at west coast. Hmmm. Should i?

There's a test tomorrow and i'm still pretty slack here.. :O

Read this off twittter, from @thingsvforgot: success comes from going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. How true. I guess i'm pretty successful then haha. didn't do well for chem again and again yet my enthusiasm for it just keeps increasing hurh hurh.

2011-09-12T00:01:00.001+08:00

i'm really glad i have celeste, xiujie, and xingying with me in my lectures. Without them, i'm almost nothing. :')

That was just a random thought. After all, today is the 10th anniversary of 911 attacks, and it just reminded us once again how fragile life is, and to treasure what we have. Ten years ago, i was only ten years old when 911 happened. I remember the look of fear in people's eyes through the television. I remember the intensity of the reports. They lasted for days, for weeks. it was something that has never happened before, and for the first time, i learnt what is the meaning of 'terrorists' and 'hijack'. I didn't know these 2 words exist before this happened.

It was a learning point for all of us. Ten years ago, i learnt that we cannot take security for granted. Ten years later, i learnt that i need to treasure people around me and to tell them i love them. :)

When i say i'm fine, i don't really mean it. I'm not fine, and i just wanna curl up in a corner and bawl my eyes out, and shout and scream about all these unhappiness but i know i can't.

2011-09-10T02:10:00.000+08:00

went for blood donation in school. Glad that my BP and HB count are normal. felt ok after the donation. I think the nurse forgot to give me iron tablets but it's ok, i don't consume them anyway. My iron count was surprisingly pretty high, must be the meat i ate the night before.

Alright, today's just a short post cause i'm awfully tired. can't wait for recess week, then i can coop myself in manpuku and chiong my mods. Cap 4, here i come! :)

2011-09-08T20:13:00.000+08:00

it's times like this, that makes me wonder if all i did is worth my effort. I do hope so. I've been playing my part, so.. u've gotta play yours too.

I don't cry easily, yet i tear a lot. I don't get angry easily, yet i get frustrated a lot. I don't worry easily, yet i stress a lot. I don't fall easily, yet i knocked into things a lot. I don't hate easily, yet i dislike a lot. I don't ask easily, yet i question a lot. because i'm such an extremist, because i have double characters, but ultimately, i'm still me, so it's either you accept the way i am, or get out of my sight.

Targetted at someone. You won't know who you are.

2011-09-07T23:02:00.002+08:00

haven't blogged for a couple of days? so here i come. :)

did some volunteering today. basically it's just to approach people to buy gifts for under-privileged children. i adopted a wish from a 5 year old girl, and got her a nice pink watch as what she requested. :) it's so fulfilling. i know some of you may think otherwise. like, why are you wasting your time? 'cause i want to have a more meaningful life. changi hospital and singapore general hospital did not send me anymore volunteering opportunities. D: i'll be at science booth on friday 2 to 4pm yo! :)

hmmm. watched smurfs today, and it's so.. touching. i cried during the show! emotional can! sigh. i love all of them, they are so cute! i want a smurffffff! next up: crazy, stupid love!

i am so stressed nowadays actually. other than the stats and chinese mod, my core mods are making me stressed. ok, maybe physical chem is still alright, but spectroscopy is killing me. seriously, it's something that i'm thinking of venturing into, so.. ayeeeeeee. never mind, i don't think any of you guys understand. :(

Cause time has got a way of taking back

Everything you thought you had

2011-09-05T05:38:00.000+08:00

decided to delete the previous post.

2011-09-04T01:25:00.001+08:00

:O

Comex and borders sales today! <3

Have been waiting for this day to come.

2011-09-03T01:01:00.000+08:00

just when i finished bitching, mr DEF came asking me who i intended my facebook status to. I said 'you.' too direct? Perhaps. I told him everything i'm unhappy about, including his behaviour towards ms GHI. Who am i to care, you may ask. nobody. I'm a nobody, but i hate cheaters. I hate unfaithful guys. because they make me lose hope in people.

So yup, i don't know how things are gonna progress from here. Mr DEF wants to meet up someday to explain himself, and i'm game for it. I told him he's still my friend. It's just that he has to be considerate in some ways. And i'm tired of being anyone's puppet. I'm tired of doing so many things for people, and ended up unappreciated. no, i don't need people to appreciate me openly. My idea of appreciating someone is simply to recognise someone's effort and help him/her get to his/her aims. That's all. How difficult?

And i don't know what's wrong with me but i ended up shivering/trembling, having cold fingers and feeling giddy again. The exact same symptoms i had when my vision went black on my way to school last month, except that this time my vision is still pretty much clear. Had lunch and i felt better, though my fingers were shivering and shaking while eating lunch. my checkup showed that i'm fine, so what the heck is wrong with me..? Urgh.

2011-09-02T00:44:00.005+08:00

sighhhh bitchy post coming up again.

i am really really really so sick and tired of this fellow here. well let's call him Mr DEF (nothing special, i just don't like to use mr ABC again and again). ok, mr DEF is really pissing the hell out of me and if i don't rant here, i'm gonna be blown up like a balloon and explode. like URGH.

so, remember a few weeks back, i was awfully irritated with mr DEF because i just felt that he was making use of me and a couple of other friends. he often asked us out for gatherings and stuffs when in fact his real intention was to see ms GHI. and the worst thing is, he has a girlfriend already. i cannot stand guys who cheat. even if it's not a physical cheating kind of thing, it still is cheating. i am ok if guys who have girlfriends look at pretty girls because if i were to have a boyfriend next time, i will still look at cute angmohs and hot asian guys like kevjumba. but to be overly concerned for a female friend spells more than just being visually attracted.

so i decided that i had enough, and i want to stop being made use of like this. one other reason why i decided to reduce contact with these people was because they always do not reply to my sms. if i were to plan some outings like badminton/cycling, i have to sms so many people (and i didn't even want to plan it in the first place. people always ask me to plan.), and waiting for replies is the most annoying thing. if you can't confirm, it's ok. at the very least, reply me and tell me "oh i'm not sure yet." instead of just .. not replying. i think most of you faced the same thing before so i'm sure you can relate to it.

and so recently, it came to my understanding that mr DEF has been organising some stuffs and not asking me along because "she always doesn't reply me". like seriously, i'm fine with them not asking me along because i would have said no due to my busy schedule and all the lab reports that has been driving me nuts. but the reason for not asking me along is something i can't accept. what does it mean by i do not reply to his messages? why not he think of the reason why i didn't reply him? it's true that i didn't reply to his messages, and i did that twice. but that's because i wanted him to have a taste of what i've been going through. sounding like a bitch? yes, i agree. but isn't it tit for tat? so now he knows how it feels like to be kept sitting on the fence waiting for others' replies. so now he knows how it feels like to cancel an outing because no one bothers to reply.

before you start blaming others for not replying you, think of what you have done first before pointing fingers. if you hadn't done what you did, i won't have to treat you the way you did to me. in the past, i would have just kept quiet and let things be. but not now. because i've received this kind of treatment again and again and it just doesn't make sense why i have to listen to anyone just because they are older. it doesn't make sense why i have to give in and succumb just because he has the entire group of friends behind him. if people do not bother to find out the reason why i'm upset with them, it just goes to show that they do not appreciate/value me as their friend, so why should i be holding on so tightly to something or someone that treats me like junk? like i mentioned before, true friends won't treat you like this.

2011-08-30T15:25:00.002+08:00

mental block for lab report, so here i am!

feels like an awfully long weekend. i've been at home for the past four days, and there's no school tomorrow too. had been doing lots of things, mostly geared towards academic. mum has been lamenting how stressed i'm looking nowadays, and that it's not beneficial for health etc. i know right, but what can i do? reports are killing me.

right, gotta finish my report by 4pm, have a little nap, probably go out for a jog later. weather's pretty good nowadays, but fewer people are jogging for some reason. i jogged 2km without anyone behind or in front of me at bedok reservoir park yesterday, which is pretty weird..

ok, just a random post. oh, haven't seen some people for so long that i'm kind of missing them? :(

2011-08-28T10:48:00.003+08:00

hello! slept at 3plus in the morning, and woke up at 8plus. sigh, tired max. :(

but oh, TT won the presidential elections! i would really much prefer TCB you know. he looks like a kind grandfather, and tony tan looks like colonel sanders... for those who don't know how who is colonel sanders... TADAHHHHHH!

HAHAHA CUTE MAX RIGHT OMG! ok, shall eat more KFC in future, at least for the next six years to come hahahha! and people, give him some time to prove his worth!

2011-08-27T00:23:00.003+08:00

utown is pretty max! like seriously, my impression of it was pretty much like how i felt about the rest of NUS until i stepped into it today, i almost want to live in the starbucks forever. it was so damn pretty and spacious and all the study rooms were available 24/7 like OMGWTFBBQ?!

had gastric pain in the evening, again. always happen when i'm stressed i think. spent the entire day in school doing project and lab report. didn't manage to complete my lab report but i feel like sleeping now. it's a battle between sleeping and completing it tomorrow or completing it today so that i have more time for other tutorials tomorrow. sigh. what a struggle. i wouldn't mind staying back in school everyday if i'm going utown's starbucks! shall buy a starbucks card soon. :D

i don't understand some things some times. is it so difficult to just tell me what you are thinking?

2011-08-24T19:58:00.001+08:00

had a run, felt much better. i thought i won't cry, but i did, again. I guess, sometimes interest doesn't get you anywhere. The harder i try, the higher i expect, the greater the disappointment. It's so difficult to stay motivated, it's so difficult to be optimistic.

Why is it so difficult to be happy?

2011-08-24T00:16:00.002+08:00

ok, the previous post was a tad grouchy, but i'm seriously gonna start dieting. i'm gonna start with quitting the snacks, which i did accomplish a little. so the next thing i'm gonna do is to abstain from fried food/fast food and drink a lot of water to prevent water retention. of course i will exercise. i will run at least 3 times a week. i know i sound obsessed but trust me, i'm freaking unhappy now, so just let me be alright?

2011-08-22T22:11:00.000+08:00

i am fucking fat and my mother keeps beating about the bush trying to tell me i'm fucking fat. Like duh of course i know it right but i can't shed the fucking pounds what can i do right? Be aneroxic or bulimic is it?! Fucking low self esteem now. I am fucking fat what can i do. I feel like dying omg.

2011-08-21T22:02:00.002+08:00

a quick one before i start on my lab manual. sleeping at 11pm tonight cause tomorrow's an early day, as usual. lab starts tomorrow, and i'm kind of nervous. i know right, like stupid only. why get nervous over a lab. you guys have no idea how freakishly nervous i am since the start of the semester. until now, everything is as smooth as can be, and i can't allow myself to screw up at this early stage. huishan, please be focussed. don't be slack! this is the semester to pull up to 3.5! urghhhh stressed. :(

2011-08-21T02:51:00.000+08:00

i'm so petty that sometimes i can't stand myself. Then i'll be overcome with guilt over my own pettiness because i'll feel that it's this pettiness that is not allowing to see things in a bigger and clearer picture. So tell me it's alright to be angry at them, and that it's clearly not my issue but theirs. :(

Anyway, i feel like i've returned to the past tonight! The click five's songs make me think of huisan a lot a lot! How we used to write letters to each other in sec 2 and fold it in a nice nice manner, and how she always write the song lyrics on the top or sides of the foolscap paper. Ahhh.. Those were the days. theodora and yeehui were my pen pals too! Kinda miss all of them.. But yay i'm seeing vanessa tmr! :D

Today, someone mistook me for a guy. Like seriously ohmygod. he called me 'xiao di' and it's not even because he saw my face or what. I was buying food from this stall and the stall is designed in such a way that, your entire head is blocked and the stallholder can only see ur body when talking to you. So he wanted me to pay up, and he bent a bit lower to look at my body and he called me 'xiao di'. I GOT SO FLAT MEH WALAO. And the customer beside me actually pointed out to him that i'm 'xiao mei', not 'xiao di'. Thanks huh, as if i am not embarrassed enough. =.=

Ok, i'm gonna sleep. On a last note, i'm glad that some things just won't change. :)

2011-08-20T00:04:00.004+08:00

right, today shall be a rant, as usual. i've already grumbled about it to mians, so mians, you can choose not to read it because it will bore you to the maximum.

so, i cannot emphasize further on how much i loathe it when people make use of me. don't give me rubbish excuses. fact is, to get to their aims, people around me don't hesitate in making use of me and some other friends. wtf is wrong with you guys? you seriously think i'm stupid enough not to sense it? i just don't want to make things ugly and don't force me to do so.

if you ask us out just because you know someone is close to us and your intention is just to see that someone, just say so. don't give all kinds of excuses to meet up can? it's totally disgusting. and knowing that you are being such a jerk, i have to act like i know nothing when in fact i know every single thing. i don't want to be part of the drama, part of the act. before i quit my job, i had to act out a show every single day, pretending i don't know anything when everything is spelled out right before my eyes. i have thus, no intention of repeating the same ordeal again.

and stop acting like you are concerned about us, because the only way you show your concern is through ME. you can sms/call those people, yet you asked me to do so. like wtf la, i don't need you to teach me what to do. i don't need you to teach me how to comfort my friends. want me to help you to find people in your meet-ups means i have my own freedom in inviting whoever i want right? yet, you are so worried that your rival in love will come. fuck you. and that someone is not even your love. i fucking hate people who cheat on their other half. so fuck it, i'll think twice before going for any meet-ups anymore.

and this other person is pissing me off big time too. i hate it when my plans get screwed. and it's not even my fucking problem. this fellow here changed plans last minute, affecting MY plans, and didn't even tell me plans were changed. if you have no intention of inviting us, then don't tell us about the event and all sorts of nonsense like "oh you guys can join lor etc etc." fuck you. in front of him, you are one person. behind him, another. come on la, staging channel 8 drama ar?

friends? friends don't do this.

2011-08-19T00:26:00.002+08:00

wanted to sleep early today.. But took a nap in the evening, so sleeping time was delayed. A couple of things to blog about today.. So here goes:

First up, received an email today that make me feel quite relieved. Sometimes, i do feel that i'm not spending enough time with some friends and i feel bad for that. I don't know what's going on in their lives and things in common become less because of the increasing amount of things happening around us. And most of the time, it's my own fault for not keeping in touch. But vanessa mentioned 'growing separately and not growing apart' and that made me feel happy. :) indeed, friends do not need to meet up often because a strong friendship can withstand anything. Gained so much today. :)

then, was a bit unhappy at night. I can't stand it when people resort to drinking their sorrows away. Vomitting in a drunkard state makes one look like a complete loser. It's just stress at work, who doesn't have stress? As a student, i have stress too. It's how you deal with it, how you view things. to me, alcohols are meant for celebrations. If you want some bitter drinks, might as well just drink some bitter herbal tea. Or if you want the sleepy effect that alcohol gives, just pop 2 sleeping pills? Sigh.

you used to be someone i really looked up to. But you were also the one who made me lose trust in people, and for making myself seem so strong because no one can hurt me in this way. I want to be protected yet i always refuse protection. I want to be helped yet i always refuse help. That's because i don't trust them. i can't trust the people i know for a short period because since the person whom i've known my entire life cannot be trusted, who's to say the rest won't hurt me the same way?

And lastly, some people have been making me really unhappy. I've tried my best to work things out despite my busy schedule with all the assignments and stuffs, yet people just come to me and say things like, 'why not you plan it at this timing?', 'oh don't plan it till so late because XYZ has something on', or 'oh can we change venue?' ok, if i'm organising an outing, i go with the majority and i go with a timing i deemed suitable. things are definitely not plan according to my liking, cause if it is planned according to my liking, the plan would have been cancelled because having no plans at all is to my liking. If you all have so much comments to make, so many last minute decisions, then simple: you guys plan the damn thing and stop making me do all these shit. It's not enjoyable and mass-smsing is pissing me off because people do not bother replying and this is the same reason why i am not replying smses as well. This is the last time.

2011-08-17T23:00:00.001+08:00

chemistry assignments killed me today. stabbed me in the heart. ouch.

2011-08-17T00:22:00.001+08:00

i can't help feeling happy when people are extremely nice to me. I don't know if they are harbouring ulterior motive but.. At least this time, let me trust them. I like it when people fuss over me, like being concerned and all. It makes me feel so loved! :)

8hrs of lecture left me with gastric pain. I did eat, but gastric pain started since 7am. Must be due to me chasing after the bus after i just finished breakfast. Urgh. Every tues and fri are ordeals and torments. :(

Ok time to sleep!

2011-08-15T17:45:00.000+08:00

Towards the people i love, i am always more than willing to do anything. agreeing to their requests, be there to share their joy, be with them through their sorrows, squeezing time out to meet them etc. What else did i not do enough? Is there anything else i didn't do? I've given so much and i've been disappointed so many times. Countless.. And i'm starting to change my mind.

I'm not expecting a lot. I don't need gratitude nor appreciation. I just need help. I just need someone to be there for me, to help me. how difficult is it to help me click through a few sites to check? My awfully nice friend helped me even though he's not obliged to and i'm really grateful for that. But people just kept changing mindsets, to the extent that all the effort put in previously were ALL wasted. Am i a fool to be toyed by you? Or am i just ur slave/maid

Each time i say those words, i don't mean it. 'cause no one knows how much this is to me, how much it meant to me. I appear nonchalent just to mask my thoughts and feelings. but fact is, i'm tired of being anyone's puppet, tired of all these. yes, you're busy. What about me? Can i be selfish, for once?

2011-08-14T22:02:00.002+08:00

bought running vests today! considered quite cheap actually hahaha. hope i can keep up with my running/exercise regime.

i know i was a bit emo yesterday because.. aiyah never mind forget it. but i forget things fast, so i guess i'm alright already. but i know somewhere in the future, this thing may just come back to my mind again and i'll probably feel more sad than ever, but like i say, it's the future. who's to know what the future holds?

and someone said something today that made me feel happy!

i feel like watching a very nice sunrise or a very nice sunset!

2011-08-14T00:56:00.001+08:00

i thought feelings fade over time, seems like.. It didn't. Everytime they ask me the same questions, what they don't know is that in my mind, i've been going through the exact same questions again and again. Countless of times. I do not have an answer to that. What i do is divert, distract, change the topic back to them. And yet it bothers me so much. So much it stings.

They say give more, expect less. I've given so much, so much that i am no longer expecting anything. nothing. 'cause i know what's going on. my best kept secret is probably this, because to no one have i divulged anything. Cause if i'm unsure of what i'm thinking, how do i then confide in anyone?

It's a beautiful night.

2011-08-12T22:15:00.000+08:00

sometimes, i think of the possibility and i decided that some things just cannot work out.

3 lectures of chem, which is equal to 6 hours..? The last lecture was so.. Tiring for me. Like omg i kept trying to keep myself awake cause tt lesson was very interesting. Yawns.

2011-08-11T21:48:00.000+08:00

first day of school, and it kinda sucked. travelled a long journey, just to attend 1 hr of lecture only. =.= and so many people are printing notes, like one semester worth of notes! Like omg i only need to print 3 sets and i ended up in the library for an hr. Grrrr.

And i sliced my own thumb while slicing potatoes. Urghhhhhh.

Angry maxxxxxxxxx.

2011-08-10T00:32:00.000+08:00

sometimes, part of me still harbour the same hope. But it is impossible, and i know that too well. So if things stay the way it is, it may not be a bad thing afterall.

Really tired after being arty farty to visit a couple of museums. Walked a lot, yet eat a lot too. Gotta sleep. Nights.

2011-08-08T02:36:00.002+08:00

went out with mr lau, caroline, minyu, meiyan and jingmei today! :))) went settlers to play and it was really very fun, especially during the game taboo. hahaha. it really really tests our ability to describe things LOLL.

after that, went out to have supper with my big brother and my super super nice friend hahaha! had satay and sugar cane drink, followed by durians and coconut drink! like omg, love suppers! luckily i didn't really eat much the entire day. but now too full, cannot sleep hahaha! shall go for an evening jog tomorrow!

ought to sleep soon since i'm meeting my friends tomorrow to go back to chungcheng.

2011-08-06T23:17:00.002+08:00

i've gotta start revising CM1101 and CM1131. realised school is gonna start in like less than a week's time and i'm so unhappy about it! :(((( where did my 3 months go to?! ok, maybe 2 mths went to working, and a week went to korea, and another week went to malacca... hmmm. ok la, at least i enjoyed my holidays.

i feel so bad towards someone. it's been bugging me. urgh.

ohohoh, went to visit bernice today! so glad she's able to walk already. :))) and after that, went for a jog. had magnum after the jog! and mcgrill.. and chocolate milk. hmmm wasted the jog! :((( but it's ok, i guess. didn't really eat much the entire day. heh.

hope i lose the weight i gained during the hols soon! *motivated*

2011-08-04T22:24:00.002+08:00

i actually jogged 10km today. like OMGWTFBBQ i was so shocked at my own ability to do so. like seriously, i'm rather weak mentally, as in, i give up rather easily. so today, i was going to jog only 5km, but i kept pushing myself to go on 'cause i was not tired physically. so yayyyy i did it omg so proud of myself! :D 1 hr and 15 minutes! like WOAHHHHHHH i can't believe i ran for that long without stopping!

ok, gonna sleep soon and get ready for lab registration tomorrow! lab registration for chemistry students in nus is like.. crazy. total madness i tell you. i think minyu will understand by tomorrow HAHAHAHA! k, nights people! hope you guys dream of hamsters and rabbits tonight cause they are really cuteeeeee!

oh, how can i forget to blog about this. i met yiting and simin to cook pasta and make pizza today HAHAHA. it was pretty successful i think! :D and i had shaved ice AGAIN! like omg, i love shaved ice. and i shall have my hazelnut magnum ice cream tomorrow! :)))

2011-08-03T22:46:00.000+08:00

huhhhhh. Whyyyyyyyy. I slept so much today! :O

I spent the entire day eating, sleeping and the cycle keeps repeating! :O

Tired max.

2011-08-03T04:25:00.002+08:00

had a 2 hours session of badmintons with my ex-colleagues, and it was really fun hahaha! i have not experienced such adrenaline rush since.. a few years ago? hahaha it's been years since i played badminton! and i still sucked at it lurh LOLLLL.

told my friends about my decision with regards to something/somebody and they said i was too decisive. well, no point holding on to something/someone when you know that things are not gonna work out. it's better to be frank, than to drag on and end up losing a friend right? i didn't become decisive, i'm all along like this. because friends last a lifetime, and im glad this time, things didn't progress to an awkward stage. i guess i'm too good at observing people huh. sigh.

2011-08-01T20:55:00.002+08:00

went for my braces appointment and checkup at polyclinic today! got home at about 1pm, and was so tired after that. blood test result was not very good. iron count, blood pressure and red blood cells were still a little on the low side. but the doctor was like, thinking i'm making a big fuss to come and visit a doctor, but still make me come back 2 weeks later to do another blood test. if i hadn't felt giddy the other day, if my fingers didn't go numb a few days ago, i wouldn't have gone polyclinic to see a doctor right? like, wtf is wrong with that bitch la. urgh.

got most of my mods already, so i'm a happy girl! :D

2011-07-31T23:48:00.001+08:00

had two ice creams today coupled with chicken rice. To think i keep harping about me gaining weight. Serves me right, seriously. No self-control omg. :(

Went to meiyan's house today to see see look look. her house is pretty nice, albeit a bit small and the entire neighbourhood is ulu! then, went to parkway to find my big brother and had a chat with some of them there. Was a bit fierce to someone, but i hope what i said did go into her head. I have been wanting to say all these, did what i could, all that's left is her own ability to overcome her problems.

went back to tampines and i met up with minyu after that. talked a bit, told her my problems, my dilemma, and she was advising me on some stuffs about SEP. I'm not entirely upset or what, it did affect me a little, but really, not going for it is not like the world's crashing down on me. I got rejected for pharm, and i am no longer affected by it. What's this to me, right?

K, shall go for a jog/gym session tomorrow. But i'm going polyclinic for a check up. A bit worried about my blood pressure. Hmmm.

2011-07-31T00:38:00.000+08:00

I don't want to ruin the friendship. I know what is going on and i'm scared. I'm scared things will end up like how it ended before. I'm scared things between us will change. But fact is, i know i'm not just any random fish in a pool of fishes, that's why i want to trust, to take a leap of faith. But i know things will not last, because it'll always be difficult to have differing views, and i'm not ready to face this. I'm not prepared for something i see no future/hope in.

Went for a jog today to clear my mind of all these frustrating things. Met my big brother and we jogged to pasir ris park, and watched the sunset at the breakwaters. I know, sound damn freaking romantic right, but with the wrong person lurh hahaha! Like seriously, we always walk to these kinda nice places at the right timings like nightwalk at bedok reservoir park, watch fireworks at labrador park etc but always blame each other for being the wrong person beside hahaha! Was a bit pissed with the entire world, including him but a chat with mians and grumbling to him makes me feel much much better. I'm so glad to have them! :

Who could have guessed, one night will change things forever.